areyoudrowning
by LeaXIII
Summary: Alex was almost surprised when he realized that he wasn't actually dying. He was drowning in his own subconscious, and reality was still further above him.


Possible trigger warning for general feelings of giving up.

Written for mhficweek13.

* * *

Alex didn't film himself anymore.

It wasn't really a conscious decision. But then, none of his actions leading up to that point were really conscious decisions. At least, that was what he told himself.

In rare, unwelcome moments of near-complete lucidity, he still remembered that last day before he'd stopped recording every moment of his life. He remembered the way that the sun was beating down that morning, making it unnaturally warm for November.

He stood on the edge of Rosswood Park, the place he'd been visiting regularly for quite a while, though he couldn't really remember why. He walked along a familiar path, letting it lead him deep into the woods.

He felt distant from his own body; it was almost like he was dreaming, sinking into a quiet ocean of weightlessness, thoughtless bliss. As he looked up to the surface, he could see a storm brewing in the dark sky, beginning to create unsteady waves above him. He willed himself upwards, broke the surface of his subconscious, and found himself back in Rosswood Park. Nothing seemed to have changed much; he was still walking the path to some unknown destination, only now, he was aware that he was being followed.

_Jay,_ came a hiss from some part of his mind as he heard a dry crunching sound from somewhere behind him. Thunder rolled above the ocean, and Alex realized that he was apparently angry at Jay.

"Don't follow me," he heard himself mutter. As he kept walking, he found himself repeating the words several times under his breath, like some kind of mystical chant or ancient curse.

Without realizing it right away, Alex found himself being pulled back under the water. This time, however, he didn't allow himself to drift too deep, and managed to make his way back to the surface after a short time.

This time, he found himself sitting still inside a large tunnel. Before he really had time to wonder exactly what the hell he was doing there, a barely noticeable sound alerted Alex to a presence behind him. He whipped his head around, and, just for an instant, locked eyes with Jay.

As Jay took off in the other direction, Alex could feel the ocean's waves surging around him, urging him to give chase.

_No,_ Alex thought, fighting against the current. He wasn't really sure what he was fighting against. Whether it was some twisted side of himself or something even more sinister that was telling him to run after his friend, he knew that whatever it wanted couldn't be good.

A brief flash of panic overtook Alex as he was forced under the waves once again. However, the urge to chase Jay seemed to be slowly ebbing away, and Alex cautiously let the water wash over him.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed like that, floating just under the surface, watching himself sit motionless in that empty tunnel. He found that breathing was strangely easy, and the ocean was becoming increasingly peaceful. The storm clouds above were finally beginning to roll away, and Alex started to let himself relax. Tentatively, he reached out a hand toward the dark sky and found that the water didn't fight him, even as his head broke the surface.

Without moving from his sitting position, he took a deep breath, letting in the earthy scent of the woods mixed with the slightly stale air of the tunnel.

A voice from behind him instantly shattered the serenity.

Alex couldn't even comprehend what the voice was saying as the air around him quickly turned to rushing water once more. He could only hear his own voice, suddenly shouting, filled with rage.

_"I told you not to follow me!"_

Several things happened at once, overwhelming his senses. A blinding streak of lightning lit up the ocean like a bright sun. The accompanying thunderclap was deafening, and before he had any time to react, a sudden tidal wave forced him under the surface.

Disoriented, he flailed wildly in the black water, trying desperately to figure out which way was up, his vision stolen away by the bright flash. Breathing, which had been effortless only a few moments ago, had suddenly become impossible, and the terror of drowning added more fuel to his desperate thrashing.

Finally, his hand broke the violently swirling surface, only he wasn't grabbing air. For a single, horrifying moment, Alex could feel his own hands around the stranger's throat, could see the wide eyes staring into his own, fearful and pleading. Terrified gasps filled Alex's ears, and he could feel the other man's pulse racing faster and faster as his hands tightened around the other's throat.

Another wave crashed over his head, and the man was suddenly gone as Alex was plunged into the darkness once more.

_**NO!**_ Alex tried to scream, but no sound escaped his lungs, which were now burning as water began to rush in. His struggles became weaker as his strength left him with the last of his oxygen.

As he finally gave in and stopped moving, Alex was almost surprised when he realized that he wasn't actually dying. He had to remind himself that he was apparently just drowning in his own subconscious, and reality was still further above him.

He willed himself to focus on the sky above, to find out where he really was and what his body was doing, even if he couldn't control it. He instantly wished he hadn't.

He saw the stranger's lifeless face. Or rather, what was left of his face. Alex watched himself set down the large, now-bloody rock that he'd been holding. He stood, looking down at the man he had just murdered.

With a wave of nausea, Alex realized that this could have been Jay. This _would_ have been Jay. If he hadn't managed to keep control of himself earlier...

His thoughts were interrupted by what felt like a sudden rush of wind. Icy cold fingers wrapped around him, pulling him deeper under the water. Too tired to fight, he welcomed the feeling like an old friend.

Alex didn't breathe anymore.

* * *

From far under the surface, he watched reality unfold, with a cold apathy beginning to freeze through his chest.

He could hear his own voice, assertive yet dangerously emotionless, demanding a meeting at Rosswood Park. He could hear Jay, stupid, naïve Jay, on the other end of the call, actually sounding somewhat wary for once. However, after a few seconds of convincing on Alex's part, Jay gave in and agreed, just as Alex, with a sickening sense of dread, had known he would. His friend always did have that annoying habit of trusting in the "good" in people that didn't deserve it.

Alex felt a pang of guilt as he watched himself turn off the camera for the last time. Things would never go back to the way they used to be. Of course, he'd passed the point of no return long ago, when he had awoken in a house with nothing but a camera and the undeniable knowledge that his friends were gone.

But after moving away, after getting rid of those damn tapes, after forcing himself to start leading a normal existence with Amy, after finally beginning to sleep again, he had allowed himself the slightest bit of hope that maybe things would turn out somewhat okay. Because as time passed, as the night terrors became less and less frequent, he dreamed.

He dreamed of battery-powered keyboards and stupid jokes.

He dreamed of shoots that would last hours longer than should have been necessary, simply because everyone involved was too busy goofing off and having fun to be professional.

He dreamed of his friends, together and happy and laughing again. He dreamed of Brian and Tim, playing pranks on the rest of the cast and picking on each other like an old married couple. He dreamed of Sarah, who always remained completely oblivious to the way that Seth followed her around like a little puppy.

He dreamed of the first time he met Jay, and how unbelievably shy the kid used to be. He dreamed of how the rest of the group would "plot", how they would work so hard to get one of those rare smiles from Jay.

Drifting deeper into the ocean's cold embrace, Alex closed his eyes, letting the images fill his mind. Some small part of his consciousness nudged at him, telling him that he should keep fighting, that it was a bad thing to stay down here.

_But...they're here,_ Alex argued, suddenly realizing how drowsy he was. He found himself on the ocean floor, and he looked up at the surface, so far away now.

He closed his eyes again, wrapped in warmth despite the cold water surrounding him. He let the image of Jay's crooked smile drift into his mind, as he sank into something that felt like sleep.

_How can this be bad?_

Alex didn't fight anymore.


End file.
